PRESS ‘1’ FOR ENGLISH.

September 29, 2011, was designated as World Heart Day of the year. One report in the Times of India said, “This year the theme "One world, One home, One heart" focuses on how the whole world is at risk of cardiovascular diseases and how all countries must join hands to prevent and control the risk of non-communicable diseases together.” The Indian Express pointed out that the Geneva, Switzerland, based World Heart Federation is keen on individuals and families becoming proactive about reducing heart diseases and strokes. There is an urgency injected into this problem as it is estimated that by 2020, India will have the largest cardiovascular burden globally and account for 1/3 of all global deaths. As of now, cardiovascular diseases collectively form the number one worldwide killer, claiming 17.1 million lives a year, 80 percent in the developing world.

Among the numerous risk factors for heart disease, one’s age, gender and ethnic origin are non-modifiable given factors. Modifiable or controllable risk factors include Hypertension (or high Blood Pressure), Diabetes, Obesity, Physical inactivity, High Blood Cholesterol, Stress and Tobacco use. Out of all these various risk factors, special mention need to be made of two items – hypertension and stress.

Hypertension, high blood pressure, is the most common risk factor, which can be prevented or controlled through diet, exercise, weight management and if needed, medication.

Stress: Poorly controlled stress and anger can cause heart disease and stroke. Stress and anger management techniques should be adopted to protect oneself from heart disease.

Plenty of newspaper articles would have been published and many symposiums conducted all over the world on World Heart Day to highlight how the families can play an active role in managing the heart condition of everyone in the family so that heart attacks and strokes can be kept at bay.

But none of them will ever talk about the single major aspect of our present day environment which is enough to shoot up the Stress levels and BP levels beyond bursting point and drive everyone up the wall – the Automated Interactive Voice Response System used by all organizations now-a-days to answer the customer’s queries, which is a euphemistic way of saying that the customer will be kept going on a great big merry-go-round till he/she falls down foaming in the mouth and gets out of the hairs of the organization.

Have you ever had the misfortune of contacting the Customer Care unit of any organization? It is immaterial whether it is a public sector or private sector or manufacturing sector or service sector or banking sector or any tom-dick-and-harry sector. A silky smooth voice will greet you with a “Welcome to XYZ company. If you want Dept ABC, press 1. If you want Dept DEF, press 2” …….. and so on till 6 or 7 or more. By the time the voice reaches 5 or 6, you have already forgotten 1 and 2, if at all you had got it in the first place. In case you somehow got it right and pressed 1 or 2 or whatever, the cycle starts again with a fresh list of 1, 2, 3 to 8 or 9. After 3 or 4 rounds of this run around, when you are confused about what to press, the voice will smoothly say, “Sorry. You have exceeded your time limit for your query. XYZ company thanks you for calling”, and cut you off. If anybody checks your Blood Pressure then, it will show 250/150. If your spouse or children see flames coming out of your ears and nostrils, and call the fire service, they cannot be blamed. You may be blood-red in the face and raving mad for the next 3 or 4 days. But they will be just happy that your heart was still strong enough to carry you to the next encounter with Customer Care.

Here is an actual experience I had with Tata Indicom whose Wireless Internet USB modem I am using with my computer. They had overcharged me for one particular month. I calculated the correct amount, paid it and wrote to them that I am withholding the balance pending an explanation from them. Their Customer Care does not care for the customer. They promptly disconnected their service to me. After trying to contact their Customer Care, I wrote them a letter from which here is an extract.

“I contacted your Customer Care on 9244000121, and this is what transpired.

“The Voice gave a ‘welcome’ message and asked me to press 1 for English, or 2 for some other language and so on. I pressed ‘1’.

“The Voice: If you are an existing Tata Indicom customer, please enter the ten-digit Tata Indicom Number, (and then continued with some other options). I entered 9282215495.

“The Voice: You have entered 9282215495. If it is incorrect, please press ‘1’ and re-enter the correct number. Otherwise please wait. I waited.

“The Voice: Your service has been disrupted for non-payment of outstanding dues. Your uncleared outstanding amount is ZERO.

“WHAT A SCREAM!!!!! Your own FACELESS SOULLESS AUTOMATISED VOICE says my outstanding amount is a HUGE BIG ZERO, and you, BRILLIANT FOLKS, have disabled my connection. HOW FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERY ONE OF YOU SHOULD DIE LAUGHING AT SUCH FUNNY BUSINESS.

“RESTORE MY CONNECTION IMMEDIATELY, AND THEN WE CAN DISCUSS ABOUT THE PROBLEMS I HAVE FACED FROM THE SUPERMEN IN YOUR CUSTOMER CARE AND ACCOUNTING/BILLING SECTIONS. You owe me compensation for this disruption.”


Writing such letters with bold face and All-capitals is all supposed to be bad etiquette. But so is all this ring-around-the-roses idiocy adopted by the corporates with their nonsensical Automated Interactive Voice Response Systems. And those Bold faces and All-Caps were my only way of showing how much I was burning inside with anger and exasperation at my helplessness to deal with these people. One need not be surprised if someone bursts a blood vessel and collapses.

The World Heart Federation should take urgent steps to ban such systems as a serious health hazard.

Jai Gurudev